I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
