Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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