He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
