watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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