I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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