I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
