I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
