I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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