Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
