Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Semen is not good for contacts.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
