I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
