Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
