Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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