my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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