Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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