How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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