How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
