hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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