I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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