And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
