I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize