The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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