You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A bitchslap is in order.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
