21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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