It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize