This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
