i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
