last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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