you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
