I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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