I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
