Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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