I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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