Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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