What a fucking waste of an outfit
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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