i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
