Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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