YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
