my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
