i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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