Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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