this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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