ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
