I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
