I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
