You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
