Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
