Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
