Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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