well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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