last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
