Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
