is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
