I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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