So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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